This is what I have learned..

I believe there is a reason for everything and God puts people in your life because there is something for you to learn or something for you to help somebody else with.  I believe I should learn from the things I go through; figure out that "reason" lets say.  I would like to start around 7 years ago, when I began my first REAL relationship with a guy that didn't have the best reputation.  Lucky for me (sarcasm), I don't see any rhyme or reason as im falling for somebody, I just do it!  I think in my head that I am THE ONE and he is THE ONE, and we are going to be wonderful together, which was true for the first year.  The second year, we could call that a disaster.  I turned into this person I could have never imagined, and he turned into somebody I could never imagine.  He was protective and jealous and if I didn't answer his phone calls immediately he was hunting me down threatening to take me out in the middle of nowhere and leave me there.  He verbally abused me, my friends, my parents, but I LOVED HIM SO I STAYED (HA!)  I remember screaming daily on the phone at each other but then each of us apologizing and it being ok for 5 minutes until he got upset about the next thing.  It finally got to the point where we both new life was not supposed to be like that and we should end it and after awhile we did, but it took a lot, and I was very depressed, but today, he doesn't even cross my mind so that gives me hope.  What I learned from that relationship is that I would never again be treated like that and I wouldn't be called a bitch and I wouldn't be screamed at and I wouldn't be controlled.  I learned that I needed to get stronger and that I don't deserve that NO MATTER WHAT.  I plan on NEVER being in another relationship that is no hostile.
So as you know if you have read my blog that another break up happened recently, and I knew a lesson was going to come to me.  What I learned from it is STOP THE BULLSHIT!  STOP THE FIGHTING!  STOP THE PETTINESS!  I now notice everytime two people are arguing over things that in reality don't mean ANYTHING, I get very upset and I try to explain to them "if this person was not in your life tomorrow, would it make you happy that this is the shit you wasted your time on when you could have been laughing, kissing, or making love!?!?!"  For example, my mother was waiting at a table at Chili's for me and my dad, she was in the smoking section, no big deal right, WRONG!  My dad starts going on and on about how he doesn't want to be in the smoking section and how disgusting it is and how it makes him feel and he wants to move and he actually dropped the F BOMB, which he never does in front of me.  He was honestly getting this upset about a table in the smoking section, so when the waitress came over, I asked if we could move and we did.  When we got to the new table, I started to bawl, and he wanted to know why, and my response was something to the effect of "I would give anything to sit in the smoking section with Zach, I would give anything to go back and sit ANYWHERE with him and you don't realize that until you don't get to sit with the person you love any longer!"  I tried to explain that little stuff like this is not worth fighting about.  I can't stand to see people arguing over small things because if they didn't have that person the next day, it would be miserable.  Another example, I was in the car with my mom, aunt, and cousins, and they are all complaining about the different things their husbands do such as not eating meat on their spaghetti and my only thought this whole time was "you have a husband, and I don't, be thankful"  I will try my damnest to never take people I love for granted, not waste time arguing, and to focus on having the best relationship I can.
I also learned that I can't get past a two year relationship so I am cursed haha jk, but no seriously :)

Can't fake it

"Just remember...this is the same person who, not long before, looked you in your beautiful face, took full stock of you and all your qualities, and told you that he was no longer in need of your company." ~He's Just Not that Into You~

"Tell me how it is that you can sleep in the night, without thinkin u lost everything that was good in ur life with the toss of the dice.."

"Remember, the only reason he can miss you is because he's choosing, every day, not to be with you."

A friend on facebook went through a break up about the same time I did and she always has such amazing status' which I have included above (these are only a few..)  Its been tough for the past couple of days.  The place I worked moved into a new building, and since my ex works the same place I do, there is more of a chance to run into him since his supervisor is now in the same building I am.  I am constantly seeing his name on things, seeing his car, seeing HIM, and it makes me sick.  The other day I had to admit that trying to convince myself and others that I am happy and that I don't miss him is EXHAUSTING!  It really is....  Everything, every song, every movie, reminds me of him, and I hate it, I really do, but I am not over it, and I can't force myself to be.  I know that what I learned from this relationship is CHOOSE YOUR BATTLES with the ones you love; really think about what you are arguing about or being mean about and if it is REALLY worth it.  Think about that person not being there the next day and if you want your last night with them to be arguing instead of loving.  I look at people now who argue about things that don't matter and I get so upset and sad because I would give anything in this world to go back a few months with Zach to make things better ( I know that what he did is not my fault) but you can't help to think WHAT COULD I HAVE DONE.  I know I WILL heal from this ONE day and I WILL find somebody else to makes me feel like I once did, but this is the part that sucks...GETTING THERE!  I try to surround myself with people I love, work out, spend time with my cat, read books...good books, and DRINK, but at the end of the day before I close my eyes, he is who I think about and it doesn't make me happy.  I fear people are thinking SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT THIS DUDE AND THIS RELATIONSHIP, but this is me, and these are my feelings, and unlike him, those 2 years meant everything to me, and I can't just say goodbye after a month and a half, I don't have it in me.  Somebody said to me "you seem happier then when you were with that guy" and my answer to that was, ITS FAKE!  I put on this fake ass smile with this fake ass positive attitude during the day because I am a professional and I could never go into my work place acting the way I really feel, I would be fired.  I find myself attaching to other males in my life because I am missing that bond so hopefully somebody new comes along sooner rather than later :)

On another note, I only allow myself to drink once a week IF THAT, because it was getting unhealthy drinking all week along AND I have picked up Fifty Shades of Grey, WOW!  I love the books, I love Christian Grey, I love imagining that there are really relationships like that out there, FREAKY haha!  The book allows me to step out of this life I am living and I am very thankful.

That is all for today.  Thanks for reading :)

K & Z

The two loves of my life, K and Z!  They aren't mine but I have been with them every step of their life and I couldn't be any more lucky :)  K was born in 2006 making her 6 years old and Z was born in 2007 making him 5 years old.  I was in the hospital room for both of their births which is amazing by the way!  I love them so much and cherish the time I get to spend with them.  When they were younger, I saw them a lot, but now that they are getting a little older and are in school, its just here and there.  Their kisses, hugs, and "I love yous" mean the world to me.  My parents have also been there their entire lives and they love them just as much as I do.  In the beginning of September we took them to the zoo and tonight they just came out up to hang out.  I forget about everything when they are with me and they make me laugh so much.  I can't wait to see them grow (even though I don't want them to) and hope they have the best lives imaginable!  LOVE YOU K and Z!