These are my confessions....

So Hillary, my bestie, did a confession post, and suggested that people reading the post do it as well, so here it goes....

I hate cats, I hate the way they smell, I hate their claws, I hate the way they jump out at you, I hate the way they hiss, I hate their meowing, I hate how skiddish they are.....BUT....I have a cat!

I have Herpes....I had Herpes.....IN MY EYE....WHEN I WAS 7!  I got it from a swimming pool, it ate my tear duct, and now my right eye waters constantly.

I cannot get dressed before I do my hair and make up.  I have no idea how to pick out an outfit without my hair and make up done.

I am addicted to reality shows.  People bash them all the time and come up with all the reasons they are stupid and blah blah blah but it doesn't phase me...I am so obsessed with reality!

I have never had a relationship that has lasted longer than 2 years.  BOOOOO

I sit in my basement at my keyboard and mic and act like I am performing in front of people.  I sing as loudly as i possibly can, and I think it sounds really good :)

I am the least feminist person you could probably find.  I know this is really bad to admit but...I would gladly stay at home everyday while my husband was the bread winner.  I don't think I could probably do a lot of things as well as a guy could, nor do I want to try.  I want a guy to be the handy one, to lift heavy things, to mow the yard, ect... YIKES

Last but not least...

I LOVE THE WORD FUCK

There is probably a lot more, but these were the things I could think of immediately...I love these kind of post!

Football, Thanksgiving, Food, AND FUN!

So Thanksgiving has come and gone but not without me having a lots of fun, food, and watching a lot of football!  Since I don't have much to do these days, I have really gotten into football!  It is not really one team in particular (with the exception of my Huskers) but I have started to like it all!  No matter what game it is, I like to choose one team that I think will win, and then watch and cheer them on!  It is kind of insane because I had no interest in this before but I guess it is my new "hobby" haha.  I even got an app called Scoremobile so I could be updated with scores...WEIRD!  As I type this I am actually watching a college football game!  Anyway..the day before Thanksgiving and hung out with some fellas who live in my town.  We played Beer Darts, went country cruisin, and went to the local VFW, all the while drinking BEER, YUM!  It was such a fun night and I am thankful that they let me tag along:)  For Thanksgiving I went to my Emo's (grandma) and had a ton of good food, she makes the best!  Noodles, mashed potatoes, stuffing, rolls, deviled eggs, cranberry sauce, 7 layered salad, turkey, and I made a Pecan Pie...DELICIOUS!  The day after Thanksgiving my friends Kalee and Blair came into town and we went out to Uncle Ds; it was an adventure in the least!  I miss them so much and am so happy I got to spend time with them!  I have been eating left over food and I can't stop!  That means lots of working out this next week :( IT WAS WORTH IT!!  

BEERS FROM BEER DARTS

MY PECAN PIE

LOVE THEM SO MUCH!!!!

DON'T EVER TELL HER I POSTED
THIS PIC!

Catching Up!

So it has been awhile since I have last blogged.  I think about blogging everyday but just never do it and I don't know why.  Today is the day though, I am going to catch up.  I am still healing, still sad some days, happier others, ready to move on with this time in my life but its complicated.  I have dreams about my ex boyfriend almost every night... it was to the point where I would wake up with sweat dripping off of me (which I don't understand why)

but I knew that he was my in my dream.  I still think about him before I go to bed and usually as soon as I wake up.  I still have to see him at work, which I believe this whole thing could be easier if I didn't have to.  He does annoying things like stare at me for what seems like minutes and wont break the stare.  HE SHOULDN'T GET TO STARE AT ME!  The other day, he couldn't get in the doors to the building and who was out in the reception area to let him in, ME!  He said thank you and walked RIGHT BEHIN ME, but I couldn't say one word and I was shaking so bad out of anger, I had to sit down to get control of myself.  He gave me a big bouquet of flowers for Valentine's Day this year that of course came in a vase which circulates around my office.  People want it to put fish in, and then they hear the story of what happened to me, and pass it on to the next person like it is a curse, which it probably is, and the only thing I can think of is to just SMASH IT!  Even worse, my supervisor at work is a male, and he is friends with me on Facebook so he knows about my break up, even though I have never mentioned it to him, and every time I don't do something perfectly at work he says "are there other issues you are having, are you sure there are no other issues u are having?" like he expects me to say "I CAN'T WORK BECAUSE I GOT BROKEN UP WITH ME!" Um no!  I can work, I can function, my demeanor MAY be different, it MAY NOT be, who knows, but because I believe he wants me to bring it up to him and he pushes it, I end up bawling and having to excuse myself which really gets me pissed.  I still am unable to wrap my mind around him not being mine forever but I THINK I KNOW that one day I will be over it.  I have met new friends during my blogging break which always helps, especially my new work roomie Jillian, she is great!  She teaches me to be independent, informs me that I am the bomb.com, and sends me classy song links like "don't make em like you" by Ne Yo which I am so thankful for :)  Two girls from my 4 person "clique" at work have left so now it just me and A.C.  who is wonderful as well, she always makes me laugh.  It was getting pretty pathetic there for awhile, I was going to bed at 7:30 or 8:00 because I was so bored and so lonely and I just wanted to be back at work..BLAH!  WHen it comes to guys, I tried to just be friendly with one here in my home town, I just went to a local football game with him, and of course, everybody thought I was dating him, which I am not into, so I had to cut that tie loose.  I went on a date this past Saturday with a cute boy from Atchison who is 27 and I had a really good time.  We have talked everyday for about a month and a half but things are being taken very slow.  I found, and I probably have mentioned this before, that I am attaching to people very quickly since my break up;  especially men!  It makes me feel better, safe, happy, but its not good for me, or them, so I am trying to not attach to this one.  I wait for him to text me, I am going to wait for him to ask to hang out again, ect..  He is going through a job change so he isn't always the happiest camper so its best I just sit back and relax.  If it works out to be something, GREAT, if not, at least I didn't get attached and it will somehow just be another learning moment.  I put up Christmas decor today to make my spirit happier, its working a little, I am sure the Christmas music will push me there :)  I have never been a depressed person but its a big fear of mine.  I don't want to be sad, alone, miserable, dark...thats not me, but being lonely and being stressed is a hard time and I see how so many people slip into depression.  Pray I stay strong and continue laughing because I sure do!  I promise to make my next post a happier one!

This is what I have learned..

I believe there is a reason for everything and God puts people in your life because there is something for you to learn or something for you to help somebody else with.  I believe I should learn from the things I go through; figure out that "reason" lets say.  I would like to start around 7 years ago, when I began my first REAL relationship with a guy that didn't have the best reputation.  Lucky for me (sarcasm), I don't see any rhyme or reason as im falling for somebody, I just do it!  I think in my head that I am THE ONE and he is THE ONE, and we are going to be wonderful together, which was true for the first year.  The second year, we could call that a disaster.  I turned into this person I could have never imagined, and he turned into somebody I could never imagine.  He was protective and jealous and if I didn't answer his phone calls immediately he was hunting me down threatening to take me out in the middle of nowhere and leave me there.  He verbally abused me, my friends, my parents, but I LOVED HIM SO I STAYED (HA!)  I remember screaming daily on the phone at each other but then each of us apologizing and it being ok for 5 minutes until he got upset about the next thing.  It finally got to the point where we both new life was not supposed to be like that and we should end it and after awhile we did, but it took a lot, and I was very depressed, but today, he doesn't even cross my mind so that gives me hope.  What I learned from that relationship is that I would never again be treated like that and I wouldn't be called a bitch and I wouldn't be screamed at and I wouldn't be controlled.  I learned that I needed to get stronger and that I don't deserve that NO MATTER WHAT.  I plan on NEVER being in another relationship that is no hostile.
So as you know if you have read my blog that another break up happened recently, and I knew a lesson was going to come to me.  What I learned from it is STOP THE BULLSHIT!  STOP THE FIGHTING!  STOP THE PETTINESS!  I now notice everytime two people are arguing over things that in reality don't mean ANYTHING, I get very upset and I try to explain to them "if this person was not in your life tomorrow, would it make you happy that this is the shit you wasted your time on when you could have been laughing, kissing, or making love!?!?!"  For example, my mother was waiting at a table at Chili's for me and my dad, she was in the smoking section, no big deal right, WRONG!  My dad starts going on and on about how he doesn't want to be in the smoking section and how disgusting it is and how it makes him feel and he wants to move and he actually dropped the F BOMB, which he never does in front of me.  He was honestly getting this upset about a table in the smoking section, so when the waitress came over, I asked if we could move and we did.  When we got to the new table, I started to bawl, and he wanted to know why, and my response was something to the effect of "I would give anything to sit in the smoking section with Zach, I would give anything to go back and sit ANYWHERE with him and you don't realize that until you don't get to sit with the person you love any longer!"  I tried to explain that little stuff like this is not worth fighting about.  I can't stand to see people arguing over small things because if they didn't have that person the next day, it would be miserable.  Another example, I was in the car with my mom, aunt, and cousins, and they are all complaining about the different things their husbands do such as not eating meat on their spaghetti and my only thought this whole time was "you have a husband, and I don't, be thankful"  I will try my damnest to never take people I love for granted, not waste time arguing, and to focus on having the best relationship I can.
I also learned that I can't get past a two year relationship so I am cursed haha jk, but no seriously :)

Can't fake it

"Just remember...this is the same person who, not long before, looked you in your beautiful face, took full stock of you and all your qualities, and told you that he was no longer in need of your company." ~He's Just Not that Into You~

"Tell me how it is that you can sleep in the night, without thinkin u lost everything that was good in ur life with the toss of the dice.."

"Remember, the only reason he can miss you is because he's choosing, every day, not to be with you."

A friend on facebook went through a break up about the same time I did and she always has such amazing status' which I have included above (these are only a few..)  Its been tough for the past couple of days.  The place I worked moved into a new building, and since my ex works the same place I do, there is more of a chance to run into him since his supervisor is now in the same building I am.  I am constantly seeing his name on things, seeing his car, seeing HIM, and it makes me sick.  The other day I had to admit that trying to convince myself and others that I am happy and that I don't miss him is EXHAUSTING!  It really is....  Everything, every song, every movie, reminds me of him, and I hate it, I really do, but I am not over it, and I can't force myself to be.  I know that what I learned from this relationship is CHOOSE YOUR BATTLES with the ones you love; really think about what you are arguing about or being mean about and if it is REALLY worth it.  Think about that person not being there the next day and if you want your last night with them to be arguing instead of loving.  I look at people now who argue about things that don't matter and I get so upset and sad because I would give anything in this world to go back a few months with Zach to make things better ( I know that what he did is not my fault) but you can't help to think WHAT COULD I HAVE DONE.  I know I WILL heal from this ONE day and I WILL find somebody else to makes me feel like I once did, but this is the part that sucks...GETTING THERE!  I try to surround myself with people I love, work out, spend time with my cat, read books...good books, and DRINK, but at the end of the day before I close my eyes, he is who I think about and it doesn't make me happy.  I fear people are thinking SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT THIS DUDE AND THIS RELATIONSHIP, but this is me, and these are my feelings, and unlike him, those 2 years meant everything to me, and I can't just say goodbye after a month and a half, I don't have it in me.  Somebody said to me "you seem happier then when you were with that guy" and my answer to that was, ITS FAKE!  I put on this fake ass smile with this fake ass positive attitude during the day because I am a professional and I could never go into my work place acting the way I really feel, I would be fired.  I find myself attaching to other males in my life because I am missing that bond so hopefully somebody new comes along sooner rather than later :)

On another note, I only allow myself to drink once a week IF THAT, because it was getting unhealthy drinking all week along AND I have picked up Fifty Shades of Grey, WOW!  I love the books, I love Christian Grey, I love imagining that there are really relationships like that out there, FREAKY haha!  The book allows me to step out of this life I am living and I am very thankful.

That is all for today.  Thanks for reading :)

K & Z

The two loves of my life, K and Z!  They aren't mine but I have been with them every step of their life and I couldn't be any more lucky :)  K was born in 2006 making her 6 years old and Z was born in 2007 making him 5 years old.  I was in the hospital room for both of their births which is amazing by the way!  I love them so much and cherish the time I get to spend with them.  When they were younger, I saw them a lot, but now that they are getting a little older and are in school, its just here and there.  Their kisses, hugs, and "I love yous" mean the world to me.  My parents have also been there their entire lives and they love them just as much as I do.  In the beginning of September we took them to the zoo and tonight they just came out up to hang out.  I forget about everything when they are with me and they make me laugh so much.  I can't wait to see them grow (even though I don't want them to) and hope they have the best lives imaginable!  LOVE YOU K and Z!

Leslie

Todays marks one month of being single.  I didn't think I would survive the first couple of days let alone a whole month, but I have.  Even on my hardest days I get through and I have come to the conclusion that I just maybe am going to be OK :)  I had a long talk with a woman who I was lucky to meet through my job and is just like another mama to me, her name is Leslie.  Yesterday she kept saying "you look so good, are you happy??"  She didn't know about the break up because the only real answer I give to people when they ask me how I am or how life is, is "fine."  I don't say this because I want to lie but because I don't want to go through the story over and over with people but when she asked me when the big day was it was time I told her.  (By big day, she meant my wedding day)  I explained to her that it was actually the opposite of that and she said "you broke up with him?" and I said well its kind of the opposite of that as well, he  broke up with me.  She had a strange look on her face to so I went through the whole story with her.  By the end of the story she had an angry face on.  She began with the "you don't deserve that", "let me see a picture of this piece of shit" "Karma is a real  bitch" and so on.  We talked about the 80/20 rule which goes like this.  Him and I were in a 2 year relationship, I payed for a lot of my own stuff, I have a car, have a house, have a job, pay my bills, bought him things, cooked for him, cleaned for him, ect..  I am the 80%.  He left me for an internet girlfriend who is still in college and can't really give him much but some new excitement, she is the 20%.  A lot of men are with an 80% and go for the 20% because of excitement and then realize they had it all when some time passes, which is too bad for them.  Leslie asked me about his car, where he lived, and what bills he had.  Well he has an old enough car that doesn't even have payments anymore, he lives with his parents, and the only bills he has now are his insurance and phone.  I explained that he had money saved up for a ring for me but he has been getting a lot of tattoos so that is probably where the money is being spend.  Leslie said I had just explained a man not worthy of me, and I deserve something so much more.  Leslie asked "Why do you have to be the one giving everything and having everything?"  She told me to focus on who was most important and if I don't know who is most important than I need to figure that out.  Leslie explained that I am worth more than that, I am beautiful, and the right man will want to take care of me. Leslie stated that if it is love then it would work its way out but she hopes I never take him back.  I stated that I hope he never comes back, and that I wouldn't take him back anyways because my trust is long gone.  Another good point she made leads me to my "fall back guy," the one who has been in my life for several years but particularly there the night the break up happened.  I put all my focus and time on him, thinking it would make me feel better, which he has most of the time just because I am not alone, but I am looking for more than what he can give.  I have known it from the beginning, my intuition tells me, I just haven't been listening.  Anyways, Leslie said "I was infatuated with this man once who I just knew I could make love me and I was the answer to everything he needed.  I would go into his home, cook for him, watch his little girl, and do everything he wanted, and then I stopped when I realized he was not doing anything for me"  Leslie stated that the point was, be with somebody who wants you almost more than you want them.  She said "if you really like a guy, don't show it, play hard to get, make him put in the effort, stop giving so much and getting so little"  Those were the exact words I needed to hear.  I realized I need to learn how to be single, make it fun, focus on ME, and forget anybody who doesn't see how wonderful I really am.  A big thank you to Leslie for everything she teaches me, all the wise words she gives, and all the love she shows.

Nothing to lose.... but weight!

I have been overweight my whole life and have hated every moment of it.  I have tried to "embrace it" and accept that that is who I am, but that is not who I am.  I don't want to wear XL clothes, I don't want to wear one piece swimsuits, I don't want any of those problems.  Thankfully, I am healthy, very healthy, but that may not always be the case.  I have tried all forms of dieting, nothing worked, I couldn't stick to it, it wasn't fun.  I am young!  I didn't want to be eating my Nutri System meal while my friends were ordering pizza, it was miserable.  I had talked with doctors, they didn't want to help either.  Everbody looked at me like I had the answers to my weight problems and didn't know why I was asking them or maybe I could "stop by the nutrition clinic on my way out."  BULLSHIT!  In December 2011/January 2012, I heard some success stories and read blogs of others who had lost weight and I became DETERMINED.  I made my own meal plans and decided what I needed to cut out (pop being the hardest) as well as deciding what I was going to do for exercise and how often.  I had a lot of support from some family members who were living in town at the time and my ex boyfriend.  They worked out with me 5-6 days a week.  I used the MYFITNESSPAL on my iphone to track Calories and the NIKEPLUS app on my phone to work out with.

I began making all kinds of meals and snacks that were healthier choices and stuck to only drinking water or flavored sparkling water.

I weigh in on Thursday mornings and I was keeping track of my weight loss monthly on Facebook, it was good to hear the encouragement from friends on there.  I have lost 65 pounds in 6 months and am looking forward to another 65 pounds in the next 6 months.  Currently, I am competing with two other girls at my work to see who can lose the most weight which keeps it interesting.  I also have also made sure I reward myself when I get to a certain amount like lose 25 pounds get a pedicure, lose 50 get massages, lose 75, I can start tanning :)  It isn't the fastest process and who knows what I will look like when it is all said and done but I want a skinny body I am proud of and I will get it!

Smith Wedding

Last night I celebrated a wedding with a lot of hometown friends and it was so good to see everyone.  It was a Catholic wedding with no mass which started at around 3:45.  Their colors were black and red and they rode off on the back of a fire truck.  The reason behind this is because, Schmitty as we call him, is a volunteer fire fighter for the city and an actual fire fighter at the military base.  A reception at the Knights of Columbus hall followed where there was free beer (always a plus), and food ready to be eaten.  It was kind of a slow start because it took awhile for the wedding party to get there, get the first dance, mother-son, father-daughter, second father-daughter, and dollar dance out of the way, but then it picked up.  We danced to the Cupid Shuffle, YMCA, Booty Call, and attempted to do the Wobble, but the music kept cutting out.  As the older guest began to leave, the real party started and the rap music began.  My friend Blair and I attempted to do Call me Maybe karaoke style but in the middle of the song the MOH put a stop to that quick, she must have been ready to leave, OH WELL :)  It was a fun night, I am glad I got to see everybody, and congrats to Mr. and Mrs. Smith!

Whoop Whoop!

So here is my post I promised about my bestfriend Hill Wil.  For some reason I am nervous about putting her complete name all over the internet, even though I think on her blog she has her full name, I am just not comfortable with it.  ANYWAY!  I don't remember the exact moment meeting her or even the exact moment we became friends, but we did become friends, thank goodness!  We have been best friends for around 17 years and like all bestfriends we have had our ups and downs but mostly ups and I am so glad she is in my life.  She does the craziest things and gets in the craziest moods (good crazy) where she isn't scared to act out of the ordinary or do things out of the ordinary and it makes me laugh so much.  She makes wild noises like "WHOOP WHOOP" that gets me everytime!  We find excitement in things like iPhone emojis and laugh at all the same things.  She is there for me no matter what and has never judged me.  This post is harder to write than I expected because she means the world to me and I have a lot of memories with her but I wouldn't even know where to start when it comes to writing all those out and it probably wouldn't even do her justice.  I guess the important part is that I have had many good times with her, plan on making many more memories with her, and love her more than she will ever know.  A little into her personal life, her parents are married and share birthdays with me and my brother, she has a younger sister and a younger brother, she was married to J Wil September 10, 2011 (I had the honor of being a bridesmaid), she has a labradoodle(sp) named Charlie, and now they are wanting to start a family.  If you want to know about my best friend, visit her blog at http://wilsonfamilyy.blogspot.com/

Enjoy all the pictures, they are some of my favorites!