Can't fake it

"Just remember...this is the same person who, not long before, looked you in your beautiful face, took full stock of you and all your qualities, and told you that he was no longer in need of your company." ~He's Just Not that Into You~

"Tell me how it is that you can sleep in the night, without thinkin u lost everything that was good in ur life with the toss of the dice.."

"Remember, the only reason he can miss you is because he's choosing, every day, not to be with you."

A friend on facebook went through a break up about the same time I did and she always has such amazing status' which I have included above (these are only a few..)  Its been tough for the past couple of days.  The place I worked moved into a new building, and since my ex works the same place I do, there is more of a chance to run into him since his supervisor is now in the same building I am.  I am constantly seeing his name on things, seeing his car, seeing HIM, and it makes me sick.  The other day I had to admit that trying to convince myself and others that I am happy and that I don't miss him is EXHAUSTING!  It really is....  Everything, every song, every movie, reminds me of him, and I hate it, I really do, but I am not over it, and I can't force myself to be.  I know that what I learned from this relationship is CHOOSE YOUR BATTLES with the ones you love; really think about what you are arguing about or being mean about and if it is REALLY worth it.  Think about that person not being there the next day and if you want your last night with them to be arguing instead of loving.  I look at people now who argue about things that don't matter and I get so upset and sad because I would give anything in this world to go back a few months with Zach to make things better ( I know that what he did is not my fault) but you can't help to think WHAT COULD I HAVE DONE.  I know I WILL heal from this ONE day and I WILL find somebody else to makes me feel like I once did, but this is the part that sucks...GETTING THERE!  I try to surround myself with people I love, work out, spend time with my cat, read books...good books, and DRINK, but at the end of the day before I close my eyes, he is who I think about and it doesn't make me happy.  I fear people are thinking SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT THIS DUDE AND THIS RELATIONSHIP, but this is me, and these are my feelings, and unlike him, those 2 years meant everything to me, and I can't just say goodbye after a month and a half, I don't have it in me.  Somebody said to me "you seem happier then when you were with that guy" and my answer to that was, ITS FAKE!  I put on this fake ass smile with this fake ass positive attitude during the day because I am a professional and I could never go into my work place acting the way I really feel, I would be fired.  I find myself attaching to other males in my life because I am missing that bond so hopefully somebody new comes along sooner rather than later :)

On another note, I only allow myself to drink once a week IF THAT, because it was getting unhealthy drinking all week along AND I have picked up Fifty Shades of Grey, WOW!  I love the books, I love Christian Grey, I love imagining that there are really relationships like that out there, FREAKY haha!  The book allows me to step out of this life I am living and I am very thankful.

That is all for today.  Thanks for reading :)